In lieu of a Christmas card.

This will be the first year since I've been married that I will not be doing a Christmas card. Actually, the year I was engaged I did a Christmas card with my two best college friends, so the tradition even pre-dates my marriage. When I was growing up, my mom did Christmas cards sporadically, if the busyness of the season permitted.  She would almost always get one sent by New Year's, although as the years passed it was often emailed rather than mailed. I stubbornly promised myself that I would make nice Christmas cards a priority, with pretty and up-to-date family portraits, and that no matter how busy life got, I would get one sent out to close family and friends every year.

Well, this year I just can't do it. It's been quite the year, you guys. I thought life was crazy with three under three, but life with three over three plus a diabetes diagnosis, a couple of windstorms, and a host of other minor crises has me absolutely reeling. To be totally transparent, I spent about fifteen minutes crying and screaming into a pillow yesterday afternoon, and today my throat is raw and sore like I went to a heavy metal concert and scream-o'd my heart out. Yesterday prior to breaking down, I had just put on makeup and gotten myself ready to go to work. After my private outburst, there was literally an imprint of my face, in makeup, on my white comforter. Despite putting my face back on, I still went to work with swollen eyes.

I hate not doing a Christmas card.  Even though I feel a sense of relief that there is one less thing on my to-do list and one less expense, I told Jordan yesterday that not doing a card feels like I'm admitting defeat.  Like I'm giving in to this busy and difficult time of life.  Like life has finally gotten the best of me, and I'm tapping out.

But today is a new day, and I think I have a better perspective. Today I understand that yesterday's reality isn't total reality. Life hasn't gotten the best of me yet. I haven't stopped fighting for joy or believing that God has a wonderful life for me. But there is a surrender happening inside of me, and I guess I am "tapping out"; not out of life, but out of a certain way of doing life. I can't do all the things I used to, at least not right now. I am slowly realizing that that is okay. I am learning to sit still, even when it kills me. I'm learning that just because I can't do All The Things now, it doesn't mean I won't eventually do all the things. I'm learning that when I do sit still for a few solid moments, I'm better at seeing the sweet things that go on in the midst of all the chaos. As my mom always asked me to do when I had a bad dream, I'm learning to search for and find where God is in the nightmare.  He's always there somewhere.

And since I'm not doing a Christmas card, I thought I'd share a few snapshots of the sweet moments that have happened this year.

There's a difference between "giving up" in defeat, and "giving up" in sacrifice. I choose the latter. I choose to sacrifice a perfect life and to accept the life God has given me with open arms. May this year be simpler and sweeter as a result. May Jesus be more evident to me this Christmas than ever before. Merry Christmas!